Lost in an obfuscated haze

Well, guys...when I started this blog, I promised you, as well as myself, that I would dedicate my heart to it. Whenever I wrote something, I promised it would come from my heart, or it wouldn't be posted. Everything I post is straight from my heart...edited in my mind...and shared with you. Lately, I admit, I haven't been giving you ME.
Yeah, I may give you posts- definitely not as much as I used to, but even the posts that I give you are just...not me.
They may be good, I seem to be gaining more feedback than ever (thank you, readers! :-D), but I feel that I haven't been giving you all of me, as I promised I would.
I remember before in the past when I used to give my all whole hearted, and people would complain about how sad the posts seemed to be...
okay...maybe they were sad, but it was ME- at the time. Alot more people appreciated it than those who didn't...and those who didn't can find another website to check out, correct?
The Internet is too large to read a blog that may annoy you. Go play a game or something...lol. But on a serious note, I haven't shared my feelings in a loooonnngggg time.
Tonight, at 2:10 am, that shall change.
Right now, I shall open my heart...and pour it's contents out...to you.
Some may like it, some may be annoyed- but those that read, relate, and get help from it...that's who I write it for.
I write to change lives...and if 100 people hate this post, but 1 reads it and learns from it, or realizes that he/she's not the only one feeling the way he/she feels...it's worth it...to me.
I want the people out there who can admit that they have feelings, and things do bother them to feel me...
Sigh...enough of my never-ending chatter, let me just turn on my internal radiator and start to vent.
I haven't been myself lately...
...at all.
When I used to look at myself, I saw exactly what an Aries was supposed to be:
Direct, brave, daring, active, impulsive, eager, fiery, fun, energetic, and exciting.
That used to be me, even through all of the changes that have occurred in my life- I've went through alot of break downs and build ups, but my core remained the same.
I was Lucius Matthew McCall III, the charismatic attention getter.
But lately it seems as if everything has changed about me- my thoughts, my actions, my words...everything.
It's like I'm not myself...at all.
My recent thoughts have been filled with sad, depressing theories and ideas...things that I would have never thought before...
Things bother me that never used to, and instead of letting it slide off and move on with my life as I used to, I let them stick to me, and suck all energy and positivity out of me like a tick...
It seems as if I've centered my life around work and getting money...I go to work early, and leave late- everyday.
My life's pretty boring...I get up, get dressed, go to work, get upset, come home, watch TV, attempt to blog, go to sleep...
The next day- I repeat.
Now don't get me wrong, I may go out once in a while with my brothers, or a female friend to chill, talk, or whatever.
They see me smile, I make them laugh, they see the energy and positivity in my actions and the way I carry myself...but it's all a mask...
Subconsciously, I act myself, or what I would like 'myself' to be, and then when I'm in the shadows I go right back to how I am currently...it5's weird.
I'm not myself lately, and I don't know why.
I wish I did so I could change it.
No matter how many random people tell me I'm "handsome", "like a sculpture", "beautiful", "gorgeous", etc- I still think I'm an 'aight' looking guy...not the best, not the worst, and I think that has alot to do with my thoughts.
But good looks doesn't get you happiness...
As I work and see the couples walk through the aisles, kissing, holding hands, happy, smiling, laughing...I don't get jealous, but I kinda wish I were them...walking though life carefree with a significant other at my side...just laughing, and being in bliss- between her and I.
But I don't have that, and feel I won't for a while.
Besides the fact that I don't think I'm ready for that, I also don't think that any woman I've met up to this day, this hour, this minute, this second is ready for me.
Females.
Ugh.
Don't even get me started on the subject.
I don't understand how you can make a woman who's obsessed with "Hollywood" feel like she's "in a movie", yet she still won't act accordingly. She's quick to flip the script and produce a twist that you won't understand for days...if not months. As you sit there in the theatre waiting for more, she's long gone, left the theatre, hopped in her car, and is on her way to...wherever. Gone. Without giving a fuck if you understand what just happened or not.
Excuse the profanity...I don't mean to swear, I just...idk.
I'm tired of my candy rain turning into a bitter hail...what seemed to be so sweet suddenly bitter in my mouth, like the joke gum you may get from the magician shop or something...
There are so many women who aren't my type...and they seem to be the only ones paying me attention.
The ones who I would love to start something with are either not looking for a start, taken, or not giving me a second glance.
I refuse to settle, so I guess I'm going to be single for a long time...
Alot of you may be like- 'so?'
No, I don't believe you need to be in a relationship to be happy, and I despise people that think that way, because they just end up hurting themselves and others, yet I do admit- it does help.
I'm not even looking for a relationship right now, I guess...I mean if it happens, it happens.
What I would love is someone that I have an interest in to hold steady conversations with...
Nothing serious, but I guess to some, that may be serious.
To feel wanted...maybe even loved.
Well, maybe not that far. I love myself, my family loves me, my friends love me...
But there's something about a woman loving you...
I went through a phase where I made myself a discontinued item...like an item taken off of the shelf in a store due to it's low demand. When people don't buy an item no matter how much they drop the price, they make it a discontinued item, and remove it from the shelf.
Alot of people who didn't want the item may not care, but that one person who's been looking for that specific item may be upset that they can't purchase it anymore.
For a while I didn't feel wanted...so I said okay, you can't feel unwanted if you're unavailable...right?
Stop here if you think I'm pitiful...lol. Because it doesn't get better.
I told you what to expect.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different result...
I call that persistence. Not insanity.
I call it smart. Not insanity.
I call it want, need...NOT insanity.
For years I've been the nice guy...maybe too nice...willing to take women on horse carriage rides, and out to a gorgeous dinner with money I didn't have...
See, it's not about someone loving me, it's about me caring for someone...I think.
Because when I'm in a relationship, I care for that person...their happiness comes before mine...all the way until the end of the relationship.
I'm always that gentleman who gets walked over because he's not "man enough" to be aggressive...
Alot of people may call me insane...but I refuse to conform to the world.
I refuse to become that asshole that every other guy is just to get the girl...because what if there's one girl who's looking for the opposite?
I know there's someone out there who's looking for me....I know there's alot of people out there who aren't for you- you'll meet them first before you meet the one who IS for you.
So why the hell would I change myself to get the ones who AREN'T for me, and lose the one who IS for me-due to her not recognizing who I was?
I'll remain the same...call me insane.
I used to believe that I wasn't of this world because of the things I naturally did, and the things I thought.
I considered myself an Alien...
Seriously.
Then I just figured I was different...
But lately I've been thinking again that I'm really not from this world, and I'm not supposed to be here...OR, I AM supposed to be here, but my purpose is not being fulfilled.
That's the worst feeling in the world.
I still don't know what school I'm going to next semester because I fucked up last semester worrying about the WRONG shit...ugh.
Some people may say Lucius, stop tripping and count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done.I admit, I'm very, very blessed and I thank the Lord for that.
But my life's like a puzzle.
What makes a puzzle?
The missing pieces.
When you're doing a puzzle, you don't worry about the pieces you already have together. You're usually focused on finding the pieces that you DON'T have...trying to find them, no matter how long it takes...because it just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE IF IT ISN'T ALL TOGETHER. Kinda like life...you don't seem to get the whole picture unless you have all of your pieces together...
I apologize to lay this on you...I'm sure you already have enough problems.
It's just like there's this haze in my mind...and I need it to be cleared immediately.

Lu